Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When news reporters do sports stories
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.