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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem