“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
adding to the discourse
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef