Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”