In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.