Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”