I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
You Might Also Like
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
We’re all getting idioter.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself