I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”