My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.