On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”