Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.