What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Jogging
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose