When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence