Only short people can save us
You Might Also Like
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.