I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’d … I’d rather not.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.