“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
SCARY COSTUME
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND