When ur friends with white people
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.