date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
You Might Also Like
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?