Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
gm
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades