Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade