I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Festive toon…
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Best seat on the street 😍
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality