After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
You Might Also Like
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?