a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats