How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
And now we wait
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S