Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Yes
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.