I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now