Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Autocarrot sucks!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.