me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
scares
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Sing it!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.