Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Friday
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
happy mother’s day❤️