Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
mood
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.