me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
You Might Also Like
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Basically.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.