Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Cat is stressing him out.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.