WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
…u ok Nintendo?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.