“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*