[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time