*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.