I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.