Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.