mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I finally found a reason to live again.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that