I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
sry
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Ok but actually
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣