Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”