Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.