Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Not all heroes wear capes.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.