the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
💻🤡
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment