That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
he was correct
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.