Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.