Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles