Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.