Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.