Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I don’t get marriage
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair